Finding True Love and Passion Again

December 8, 2015

The show mentioned below is now available as a podcast.

Would you like to know the secret to true marital happiness? Check back here and on my website: http://www.coupleswisdom.com. Soon I will post the true secret to long term sexual joy, and finding true happiness together.


Gratitude!

November 29, 2010

I am so very grateful! This just passed Thanksgiving seemed to fulfill all the longings of my heart. Turns out those longings are very simple at holiday time–love among family and friends. Observing that  the little children are thriving and blossoming  while surrounded by loving parents, grandparents and community is the greatest gift.

This holiday, I elected to turn away from the food extravaganza tradition. I attended two such family events, and thoroughly enjoyed them; for the first time in my life, though, I ate very little except for vegetables and fruits. I tasted a few of the treats, but had no desire for full servings. Instead, I sat back and noticed  what Rumi calls the blessings falling like blossoms all around us.

Something mysterious happened. An unexpected joyfulness filled my heart and is with me still. How blessed my imperfect family is; we live in safety and abundance. Our children thrive, as beloved children do. We face challenges; we grow, we learn.

Last night, my partner and I remembered to open our hearts to each other. As Rumi says,

Everything is soul and flowering. Everything is soul and flowering!

Blessings to you, dear visitor. All of us have pain, loss, laughter, grief and joy up ahead. No matter what, we can always come back to love and to joy!

Please visit and write to me at www.coupleswisdom.com.


The Sun of Happiness Blazes for Us All

March 13, 2009

Mary Oliver says:

….I thought
how the sun

blazes
for everyone just
so joyfully
as it rises

under the lashes
of my own eyes, and I thought
I am so many!
What is my name?

What is the name
of the deep breath I would take
over and over
for all of us? Call it

whatever you want, it is
happiness, it is another one
of the ways to enter
fire.

The wise ones speak in one voice. Here, Mary Oliver reminds us that happiness is our natural state, and that it’s as close as our eyelashes.

As human beings, it seems to be our job to forget that reality again and again. How often, I give up my own capacity for joy! I choose complaining instead, or criticizing those I love dearly.

I weep for those precious small beings I long to see more often. Those tears obscure the beauty of the human beings and animals I will meet today.

Another way I trade joy for anxiety is to become preoccupied with the expressed or unspoken criticism of key people in my life. It is my failure to see the beauty behind my own eyes that makes me fear that a friend who finds me wanting must be right.

A lifelong worry that I’m unloveable and will be found out still lingers from my childhood. As a psychotherapist, I have had the priceless opportunity to learn that I am like millions of others in this. It is the nature of things for those of us who lacked parents who were not able to be fully loving and affirming.

The luminous child behind your eyes and behind mine–that’s the truth. And, as Hafiz said, “In the Beloved’s eyes, every thought, word and deed of our is always, always beautiful!”

May you live this this day in full awareness of that profound truth, dear visitor.

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Thank God for this most amazing day!

December 31, 2008

e. e. cummings says:

I thank You God for most this amazing

day: for the leaping greenly spirits of trees

and a blue true dream of sky:and for everything

which is natural which is infinite which is yes


(I who have died am alive again today,

and this is the sun’s birthday; this is the birth

day of life and of love and wings:and of the gay

great happening illimitably earth)


how should tasting touching hearing seeing

breathing any–lifted from the no

of all nothing–human merely being

doubt unimaginable You?


(now the ears of my ears awake and

now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

I pray to wake with these words of e.e. cummings on my mind and heart each day.

Like you perhaps, I found yesterday difficult; rude and cold treatment by someone who matters through me off course, and made me forget the lessons the green hills and California poppies I would see this morning would teach me once again.

It’s a perfect California winter day. My bruised heart reminds of the world’s bruises–the tragic wars and violence being carried on as I write and as  you read these words. At the same time, within every tragic circumstance, human kindness, courage and sacrifice shine as luminous as diamonds in mud. Parents look into the eyes of newborns and see beauty and hope. Soldiers on opposing sides of conflicts catch glimpses of the real person behind the “enemy” garb.

It’s a new day in American politics. A new leader has made courageous efforts to form the building blocks of a new, inclusive, pragmatic way of improving the lives of American and world citizens. Godspeed Barack!

“May all beings be happy,” goes an ancient prayer. May you be happy, dear visitor. May you see behind the eyes of the humans, may you find it in your heart to forgive the unforgivable, and thus find peace. May this day bring you a loving touch, a good meal and a good laugh. As Mary Oliver says:

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,

the world calls itself to your imagination….

over and over announcing  your place in

the family of things.

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December 23, 2008

Rumi says:

One morning I went to a place beyond dawn,

a source of sweetness which flows and is never less.

I have been shown a beauty beyond imagining….

We have baskets of fresh bread upon our heads, yet

we go door to door asking for crusts….

We’re like pearls in the shell on the bottom of the ocean

saying Where’s the water?

….These mental questionings form the barrier.

Beg for love expansion!

Meditate only upon that.

The great teachers speak as in one voice: that which we need is already here, already within us, already present in the human, animal and natural beauty all around us.

To those fighting on distant battlefields right now–blessings! We at home surround you with our prayers. To those in actual prisons or the prison of isolation from others–blessings. To those facing illness and death–blessings! All of us will follow you when our time comes. There is nothing to fear!

To those many who are suffering with the lonliness this season can produce–blessings! We need not measure our families and the success of our lives by these few days when images of the perfect families we imagine in other households plague us. I have found the best answer to my own holiday pain is to reach out and serve those less fortunate. Giving the gifts of time and kindness to the needy is the best remedy for all my longings for the old-fashioned holidays of my youth.

Blessings to you, dear visitor. Pass it on!

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Encourage laughter, freedom, dance and love!

August 22, 2008

Hafez says:

We are the guardians of his beauty….

There is only one reason we have followed God

into this world: to encourage

laughter, freedom, dance and love….

Every man, plant and creature in existence,

every woman, child, vein and note is a servant

of our Beloved…a harbinger of joy!

The ever delightful Hafiz reminds us that in every human face–and in the mirror–we see the divine. As Rumi says, Every unhappiness comes from forgetting. Remember and be back with friend.

Blessings to you, dear visitor.


Feast On Your Life!

August 11, 2008

Derek Walcott says:

The time will come when with elation

you will greet yourself arriving

at your own door, in you own mirror,

and each will smile at the other’s

welcome, and say sit here. Eat.

You will love again the stranger

who was your self.

Give wine. Give bead. Give back your heart to itself,

to the stranger who has loved you all your life,

whom you ignored for another,

who knows you by heart.

Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes. Peel

your own image from the mirror.

Sit. Feast on your life!

This poet beautifully reminds us that we cannot give away what we do not have–that a life of service requires treasuring ourselves, and cherishing the life we have been given. Often a central task of psychotherapy is helping the client to find that often long ignored inner voice which says “You are worthy; you are precious; you are a child of the universe. You are a unique expression of the divine.” Though misfortune and misguided caretakers may have done their best to silence it, that voice does exist in all people.

Neither Walcott nor I am advocating the narcissistic position: “my needs matter more than anyone else’s.” Curiously those who actually express the feelings of those with narcissitic personality disorder do so from a deficit of true self-treasuring, rather than an excess. The healthy person says instead “Your needs matter, and so do mine.”

Are you one of those human beings whose profound desire is to make your life count, to make a contribution to the planet that lasts after your own life is over? If so, seek out any guide, therapist, companion or friend who helps you “feast on your life!”

I was moved by the journey of Randy Pausch, the Carnegie Mellon professor who died recently after courageously showing us how even someone with terminal cancer can cherish and make use of his or her remaining days. I was moved when Tim Russert died without warning, teaching us that today will be the last day for some precious human beings, and one day one of those will be us. I was moved yesterday when my younger son survived without lasting injury a bike/car accident that could have killed him.

Blessings to you, dear visitor, on this day, the most precious of all days because it’s the one we have.