Children of Divorce: Forgive Someone Who Doesn’t Deserve It

“My Parents Don’t Deserve Forgiveness”

Some of you who read my recent post urging children of divorce to forgive their parents responded with deep feeling. One group feels their parents deserve whatever they’re getting. According to these adult children of divorce, their parents had affairs or were self-absorbed, or were oblivious to their children’s needs. “We felt abandoned by our parents,” one said, “so we have little interest in connecting with them now.” This group’s theme is that aging parents deserve to suffer for their earlier mistakes, and their adult children are justified in providing this revenge.

How painful it must be to feel that your mother or your father abandoned you! As a psychotherapist, I’ve heard this pain from those who were adopted, those whose parents died, and yes–those whose parents divorced.

It’s perception that counts. Just as children feel abandoned if a parent dies, they may feel abandoned by their father even though he left because the marriage failed and both parents decided it was best for the kids for them to stay with their mother in the family home. Or later, when dad remarries and ends up raising his new wife’s kids, that may feel like abandonment too. (Few children of divorce have any idea how painful that situation is to divorced dads; they live for years with the feeling that they’re the raising wrong children.)

I answer the revenge-is-justified group with the poet’s line above:  “Forgive someone who doesn’t deserve it.” Do this for yourself, for your children, and as your contribution to the planet. The true test of character in life is what you do when you have the power in a situation. Adult children hold extreme power over their parents. If grandchildren are involved, this is even more true.

Your vote on whether or not your parents have led a life of meaning and value is the most important one to them; your willingness to fully engage with them and support them as grandparents is one of the most important aspects of their life now. Also, you have the largest voice in determining whether the family your children grow up is warm, safe, and enjoyable most of the time.

If your vote is “No, their mistakes far outweigh any goodness; they don’t deserve a warm family now,” think twice. That level of cruelty–and it is that–is a knife in the heart of the parents who gave you life.

Are you really so kind, caring, sensitive and good yourself? Will you be proud of these choices when you’re older and  your parents are dead? Is this the example you want to set for your children? Trust me–even if you stay married to your children’s other parent, your children will grow up feeling you made some terrible mistakes. And they’ll be right; it’s the nature of the human journey. It’s the way the race progresses.

Most people who love a small child now can imagine this scenario: flash forward 30 years. That girl or boy you adore is grown now and refuses to talk to you. Or your now adult child allows you to see your grandchildren, but wants no meaningful contact with you themselves. What could hurt more? It means you failed in your most important task. It means your adult child is quite capable of cruelty, and perhaps incapable of empathy.

“My Mom or Dad Didn’t Care About Being A Good Parent”

In one of my therapy groups, a young woman once said “Our parents were the ‘me’ generation. They only cared about themselves. That’s why we get called ‘helicopter parents.’  We tend to micro-manage every teacher and babysitter. We want to get it right. They only cared about themselves.”

A woman her mother’s age answered this way: “Are you kidding me? Parenting was always the most important thing to us. We invented natural childbirth, long-term nursing, and toilet training that built self-esteem. We stopped corporal punishment, which was used on most of us. We put our own kids to bed every night, and rarely or never left them over night. Every divorced parent I know worried constantly about the effects of divorce on the kids. We’re still worrying now. We spent decades trying to empathize with our kids, but somehow we raised a generation that’s unwilling to empathize with us.”

The Hoffman Process: a  Solution

When families are stuck, I love to refer my psychotherapy clients and others I care deeply about to the Hoffman Process. It the best healing process I know for finishing childhood, and freeing yourself forever of old anger and mistrust your parents. Its best result is a monumental sense of freedom from past wounds you didn’t choose. You can find out more at http://www.hoffmaninstitute.org. I have no financial interest in this organization, but I’ve had the privilege of taking the Process. It was life-changing. If you want to heal your family, it offers the best possibility of doing so. Maybe a parent(s) you’re estranged from would help you pay for it.

There are other ways to heal. Make it your goal and intention. Consider therapy or a support group. There are free 12-step groups everywhere. Ask for help wherever you can find it. Each step we take to rid ourselves of old wounds and current resentments helps heal our world.

Rumi says:

When you think your father is guilty

of an injustice, his face looks cruel….

When you make peace

with your father, he will look peaceful…

The whole world is a form for truth.

When someone does not feel grateful for that,

the forms appear to be as he feels,

they mirror his anger, his greed, his fear.

Make peace with the universe.

Take joy in it. It  will turn to gold…

Every moment a new beauty….

Please post your comments here, or send them to me at drvlee1234@aol.com.

Blessings, dear visitor.