Governor Sanford: compassion needed

What Happened to Protecting Children?

How sad to watch the feeding frenzy that occurs when a public figure’s very human private life is exposed. Governor Mark Sanford fell in love, and allowed that love to become sexual. The moment he announced this to the world, his four sons–already victims of their parents’ difficulties–became instantly famous in ways that must be humiliating to them every day.

Many media people are thrilled. They begin by congratulating the reporter who exposed Sanford on her “scoop.” They believe the Governor’s public position justifies the truly tasteless publication of his and his lover’s emails, as well as of every other detail they can uncover.

Self-righteous people from both parties rush to the microphones eagerly extended by journalists; ratings thrive on juicy gossip about public figures. If the past is prologue, some of the loudest critics have been, are, or will be engaged in extra-marital affairs themselves.

I call for better behavior from the journalists I admire. Yes, Governor Sanford spoke out judgmentally about Bill Clinton. Yes, Sanford’s attempt to refuse help to the poor of his state by turning down stimulus money warrants criticism. Yes, he exercised poor (though not unique) judgment in failing to make arrangements have his duties covered while he was away.

None of this justifies throwing him and his wife and his children under the bus. Save it for those who send the innocent to fight and die.

Perhaps we should create a health-of-your-own-relationship standard for those who score ratings or job points by loudly condemning those who make mistakes like this. As a marriage counselor and psychologist, I know that many marriages are not what they seem to be. Though not everyone has affairs, no couple escapes bad times or uncertainty about the future of the marriage. Some who condemn infidelity commit even worse acts of cruelty and betrayal.

I agree with those who say that public figures must meet a higher standard. So must the journalists who cover them. News organizations also need to reward compassion and good taste, rather than the unethical acquisition of private emails. This does not require returning to the times when reporters were complicit in covering up the affairs of public figures. Instead, it means holding journalists–as well as politicians–to a higher standard.

People who feel called upon to loudly condemn others for the sexual choices are often revealing their own uncertainty. Since Freud, we’ve understood that the loudest condemnation of homosexual behavior often comes from those who may fear their own inclinations.

Willingness to protect children too young to protect themselves is the mark of a civilized society. When public figures have minor children, extra care should be taken.

Those who are rushing to condemn or further expose details about Governor Sanford might want to take a look in the mirror.

Postscript added July 13, 2009

As the Governor has continue to speak, I’ve found each confession worse than the last. My concern for his children won’t change; I wish he shared that concern. My sympathy for him personally, though, has greatly diminished. Going on national TV to say you’re “trying to fall back in love with” your wife,” while describing your lover as your “soulmate,” is beyond astonishing. Believe me, Governor, these are exactly the words every humiliated wife longs to hear. Not.