How to finish childhood

Rumi says:

I open and fill with love and

other objects evaporate….

Soon, I’ll begin a new blog with a broader focus. Today, I’m writing on the subject of valuable healing tools for personal and planetary healing.

The Hoffman Process:

The Hoffman Process is one of the powerful ways to finish growing up.  Finishing childhood means letting go of the futile hope that our parents can and will change. Most people waste decades on the unconscious fantasy that the parents they had as small children will change. Saying it out loud exposes its foolishness: “I want the parents I had when I was five to be different.” Good luck with that.

Refusing to forgive the parents of the present is a version of this; it’s a way of saying “You were wrong when I was five (or fifteen), and until you fix that, I won’t love you and be glad to be your son or daughter.” Refusing to forgive parents who are dead is even worse for the one whose inner child waits for a dead parent to change.

Here’s the principle: we can change our parents only by changing ourselves. We change them by changing our attitude toward them. It works whether your parents are living or not.

With great skill and gentleness, the Hoffman Process uses time-tested tools to help participants let go of the past and be in the present with forgiveness and love. First, participants express and honor their feelings about every mistake their parents or caretakers made; nothing is left out. The wounds you remember and the wounds you’ve forgotten or repressed come up and are addressed. Mistakes made knowingly and mistakes made by omission are all included.

The cathartic work is extensive and deep. Unlike group therapy, no one is on stage, because everyone works at the same time. Skilled teachers question you and send you back to do more when they see you’ve left something out.

At the end of this phase, you’re drained. A great weight is gone from your shoulders–the burden of the bad feelings you’ve always had toward parents who hurt you.

I learned through the Process that true forgiveness cannot take place until anger and hurt has been addressed. Sunday School forgiveness done because you “should” usually fails.

After the “prosecution of parents” phase just described, you get to know your parents for the first time by walking through their lives. You learn what their birth was like, and how they felt at three and five and ten years old. Who was there? What happened? How were they hurt by their own parents? What decisions did they make about doing things differently than their parents did?

The French say “to know all is to forgive all,” and they’re right. When you understand, it’s easy to forgive.

I had always been angry at my dad for smoking himself into an early grave. In the Process, I came to understand my father’s extreme loneliness and the lack of nurturing he experienced as a child. The cigarettes he discovered at 12 helped him deal with those emotions; once addicted, he couldn’t stop. Along with many of my psychotherapy clients, I’ve had my own issues with addiction; I understand.

The Gift of Love

I forgave my dad, and came to realize that the gift of love he gave me was far more important than any of his character flaws. It’s possible to forgive a parent who didn’t love you, but if you were lucky enough to have one or two parents who did, you start counting your blessings.

When you completely forgive your parents, you forgive yourself as well–and not until. When you can look into your mother’s and father’s eyes, and see the sweet little girl and boy they once were, something shifts forever in your heart. It doesn’t solve everything that happens after that point in time, but once you’ve come to prize and to cherish those who gave you birth, the quality of your own life is forever enriched.

I want to note again, that while I’m a graduate of the Hoffman Process, I have no affiliation with or financial interest in the Institute. These thoughts come from my heart and my desire to share my experience.

For those who are wondering whether you can accomplish the same things in private psychotherapy, my answer is a guarded yes. It’s possible, but difficult, especially if you spend only an hour a week with your therapist. Another issue is whether or not your therapist understands this path, or even sees forgiveness of parents as a goal.

The power of healing group energy is another factor that’s hard to duplicate. Being in a group where its obvious that everyone has work to do regarding longstanding and troubling emotions toward parents helps you do what you need to do.

The Hoffman Process is available in several locations in the United States and Canada, as well as in some other countries. Contact them to find out about locations and times.

http://www.hoffmaninstitute.org (USA)

http://www.hoffmaninstitute.ca (Canada)

http://www.quadrinity.org (a dozen other countries)

You may post a response here (Hoffman grads, please do.) or email me at drvlee1234@aol.com.

Blessings to you, dear visitor. Live long and love well.

Children of Divorce: Forgive Someone Who Doesn’t Deserve It

“My Parents Don’t Deserve Forgiveness”

Some of you who read my recent post urging children of divorce to forgive their parents responded with deep feeling. One group feels their parents deserve whatever they’re getting. According to these adult children of divorce, their parents had affairs or were self-absorbed, or were oblivious to their children’s needs. “We felt abandoned by our parents,” one said, “so we have little interest in connecting with them now.” This group’s theme is that aging parents deserve to suffer for their earlier mistakes, and their adult children are justified in providing this revenge.

How painful it must be to feel that your mother or your father abandoned you! As a psychotherapist, I’ve heard this pain from those who were adopted, those whose parents died, and yes–those whose parents divorced.

It’s perception that counts. Just as children feel abandoned if a parent dies, they may feel abandoned by their father even though he left because the marriage failed and both parents decided it was best for the kids for them to stay with their mother in the family home. Or later, when dad remarries and ends up raising his new wife’s kids, that may feel like abandonment too. (Few children of divorce have any idea how painful that situation is to divorced dads; they live for years with the feeling that they’re the raising wrong children.)

I answer the revenge-is-justified group with the poet’s line above:  “Forgive someone who doesn’t deserve it.” Do this for yourself, for your children, and as your contribution to the planet. The true test of character in life is what you do when you have the power in a situation. Adult children hold extreme power over their parents. If grandchildren are involved, this is even more true.

Your vote on whether or not your parents have led a life of meaning and value is the most important one to them; your willingness to fully engage with them and support them as grandparents is one of the most important aspects of their life now. Also, you have the largest voice in determining whether the family your children grow up is warm, safe, and enjoyable most of the time.

If your vote is “No, their mistakes far outweigh any goodness; they don’t deserve a warm family now,” think twice. That level of cruelty–and it is that–is a knife in the heart of the parents who gave you life.

Are you really so kind, caring, sensitive and good yourself? Will you be proud of these choices when you’re older and  your parents are dead? Is this the example you want to set for your children? Trust me–even if you stay married to your children’s other parent, your children will grow up feeling you made some terrible mistakes. And they’ll be right; it’s the nature of the human journey. It’s the way the race progresses.

Most people who love a small child now can imagine this scenario: flash forward 30 years. That girl or boy you adore is grown now and refuses to talk to you. Or your now adult child allows you to see your grandchildren, but wants no meaningful contact with you themselves. What could hurt more? It means you failed in your most important task. It means your adult child is quite capable of cruelty, and perhaps incapable of empathy.

“My Mom or Dad Didn’t Care About Being A Good Parent”

In one of my therapy groups, a young woman once said “Our parents were the ‘me’ generation. They only cared about themselves. That’s why we get called ‘helicopter parents.’  We tend to micro-manage every teacher and babysitter. We want to get it right. They only cared about themselves.”

A woman her mother’s age answered this way: “Are you kidding me? Parenting was always the most important thing to us. We invented natural childbirth, long-term nursing, and toilet training that built self-esteem. We stopped corporal punishment, which was used on most of us. We put our own kids to bed every night, and rarely or never left them over night. Every divorced parent I know worried constantly about the effects of divorce on the kids. We’re still worrying now. We spent decades trying to empathize with our kids, but somehow we raised a generation that’s unwilling to empathize with us.”

The Hoffman Process: a  Solution

When families are stuck, I love to refer my psychotherapy clients and others I care deeply about to the Hoffman Process. It the best healing process I know for finishing childhood, and freeing yourself forever of old anger and mistrust your parents. Its best result is a monumental sense of freedom from past wounds you didn’t choose. You can find out more at http://www.hoffmaninstitute.org. I have no financial interest in this organization, but I’ve had the privilege of taking the Process. It was life-changing. If you want to heal your family, it offers the best possibility of doing so. Maybe a parent(s) you’re estranged from would help you pay for it.

There are other ways to heal. Make it your goal and intention. Consider therapy or a support group. There are free 12-step groups everywhere. Ask for help wherever you can find it. Each step we take to rid ourselves of old wounds and current resentments helps heal our world.

Rumi says:

When you think your father is guilty

of an injustice, his face looks cruel….

When you make peace

with your father, he will look peaceful…

The whole world is a form for truth.

When someone does not feel grateful for that,

the forms appear to be as he feels,

they mirror his anger, his greed, his fear.

Make peace with the universe.

Take joy in it. It  will turn to gold…

Every moment a new beauty….

Please post your comments here, or send them to me at drvlee1234@aol.com.

Blessings, dear visitor.

Governor Sanford: compassion needed

What Happened to Protecting Children?

How sad to watch the feeding frenzy that occurs when a public figure’s very human private life is exposed. Governor Mark Sanford fell in love, and allowed that love to become sexual. The moment he announced this to the world, his four sons–already victims of their parents’ difficulties–became instantly famous in ways that must be humiliating to them every day.

Many media people are thrilled. They begin by congratulating the reporter who exposed Sanford on her “scoop.” They believe the Governor’s public position justifies the truly tasteless publication of his and his lover’s emails, as well as of every other detail they can uncover.

Self-righteous people from both parties rush to the microphones eagerly extended by journalists; ratings thrive on juicy gossip about public figures. If the past is prologue, some of the loudest critics have been, are, or will be engaged in extra-marital affairs themselves.

I call for better behavior from the journalists I admire. Yes, Governor Sanford spoke out judgmentally about Bill Clinton. Yes, Sanford’s attempt to refuse help to the poor of his state by turning down stimulus money warrants criticism. Yes, he exercised poor (though not unique) judgment in failing to make arrangements have his duties covered while he was away.

None of this justifies throwing him and his wife and his children under the bus. Save it for those who send the innocent to fight and die.

Perhaps we should create a health-of-your-own-relationship standard for those who score ratings or job points by loudly condemning those who make mistakes like this. As a marriage counselor and psychologist, I know that many marriages are not what they seem to be. Though not everyone has affairs, no couple escapes bad times or uncertainty about the future of the marriage. Some who condemn infidelity commit even worse acts of cruelty and betrayal.

I agree with those who say that public figures must meet a higher standard. So must the journalists who cover them. News organizations also need to reward compassion and good taste, rather than the unethical acquisition of private emails. This does not require returning to the times when reporters were complicit in covering up the affairs of public figures. Instead, it means holding journalists–as well as politicians–to a higher standard.

People who feel called upon to loudly condemn others for the sexual choices are often revealing their own uncertainty. Since Freud, we’ve understood that the loudest condemnation of homosexual behavior often comes from those who may fear their own inclinations.

Willingness to protect children too young to protect themselves is the mark of a civilized society. When public figures have minor children, extra care should be taken.

Those who are rushing to condemn or further expose details about Governor Sanford might want to take a look in the mirror.

Love Letter to Iran

To the citizens of Iran:

Thank you for Rumi, Hafez, Rabia, and so many more.

I quote Rumi, the great poet and spiritual master, almost daily on this blog.  Rumi was born in the Persian Empire 800 years ago. He is just one of the great souls produced by your culture. Through Rumi–our best-selling poet–Americans and Europeans are learning that the roots of your culture are ancient and remarkable.

Thanks to the horrifying recent news from Iran, the heroic and beautiful spirit of your people is now shining around the world. We know now that your women are educated and hungering for freedom. We know that many of your young men are willing to risk everything for their vision of a new Iran.

Like  millions of people around the world, I have sat helplessly watching the recent violence in your country. Such tragedy! We know there are many others whose faces we have not seen–many unjustly imprisoned and perhaps being tortured. With great sadness, we see that your voices are now being silenced by guns.

Not so many years ago, American children were unprotected from violent actions by their own parents; that was “family business,” and government could not intervene. Some years before that, our women were also at the mercy of their husbands; husbands had the “right” to control (and beat) their wives as well as their children. The state could not interfere.

Eventually, America woke up to the fact that violence against the vulnerable is never anyone’s “right.” We made the abuse of children and women and elders illegal and subject to punishment.

On the international scene today, we operate like the America of the past. Sovereign states have the “right” to operate independently even if they are murdering their citizens in the streets.

Iranian martyrs of the 2009 uprising are waking the international community up to the fact that no government has the right to commit atrocities against the innocent. I believe that the sacrifices Iranians are making now will be milestones in the building of a new international awareness. In the global village of the future, bullies and murderers will be stopped. First, they will be observed on the internet. Then, action will be taken.

Determining how this can be done is a formidable challenge. It is one we must meet. I call upon President Obama and his team to lead the way.

Meanwhile, blessed citizens of Iran, may the God we know by different names be with you. May Allah comfort you in this time of great challenge. We are watching, and we are with you in our hearts.

Rumi (as translated by Coleman Barks) says:

The most living moment comes when

those who love each other meet each

other’s eyes, and in what flows

between them then. To see your face

in a crowd of others, or alone on a

frightening street,  I weep for that.

Our tears improve the earth….

Blessings to you as well, dear visitor. Please forward this post to any Iranians you know. You may respond here or by emailing me at drvlee1234@aol.com. My book on Rumi is called The Rumi Secret: Spiritual Lessons of History’s Most Revered Poet.

Children of divorce: forgive your parents!

Sons and the lifelong pain of divorce:

Last night I spoke with a dear friend who shared her pain about her adult son’s distancing. He rarely calls and hasn’t visited in five years. He has even less contact with his sister who loves him and has reached out to him. His nieces have never met him. A man I know must endure a different pain: his son allows him to see his grandchildren—he’s grateful for that–but the son stays in another room and refuses to talk to his father when he comes.

Emotionally distant sons are not uncommon. I personally know half a dozen women whose friends and families (including their daughters) consider them warm, kind, caring and even exceptional people. Each of these mothers has had experience with a son who keeps his distance and may even refuse all contact for years at a time.

Sometimes–but not always–this seems to be related to the son’s partner who feels threatened or offended by her mother-in-law. And sometimes, ironically, it’s that very partner who matures and realizes that having a fractured family is much worse than having a family where people are accepted in spite of their limitations and mistakes.

The adult son often moves more slowly. It may take looking into the innocent eyes of his own children before he realizes that bringing them up without as many loving grandparents as possible is unfair to his little ones. Sadly, sometimes the moment never comes, especially if he never has children.

Why this common estrangement between mothers who adore their sons and sons who can’t forgive the past? Why this common alienation between brothers and sisters whose parents wanted to give them the gift of siblings you can grow up and old with? Why does it happen?

My theoretical answer always has divorce at its center. Almost every case I know of has happened in a family broken by divorce. As I’ve watched the maturation of children of divorce in my own family and the families of my friends and counseling clients, I’ve come to believe that the wounds of divorce rarely heal fully, especially in the children.

Whether the divorce was their choice or not, most adults who divorce eventually heal. They enjoy their independence, or they find new partners, and come to see that those new partners are often a better fit. If wise and mature, they usually reach some level of forgiveness for the ex-spouse.

Emotionally honest people know that marriages are virtually always broken up by two people, not one; the victim-villain story they needed at first is often put aside once they’re in a better marriage. And more and more divorced people come to realize that bringing up a child on a diet of assertions that the other parent was bad/wrong/irresponsible/selfish/adulterous/mean does that child harm at the time and also when they’re grown. Whether the conflicts were flagrant or less dramatic, a mature ex-spouse forgives eventually. Wise adults come to realize that mistakes are committed by people in pain.

The children of divorce have a different journey. There’s no replacing a biological parent. With all due respect to the many loving stepparents who are doing their best, the vast majority of children of divorce rightly feel deprived of something precious–being raised by a parent who was responsible for your birth and who loved you from that day forward. That bond is unlike any other. Losing it almost never gets fully healed.

This brings me to my hypothesis about what’s going on with adult children of divorce when they hold on to resentments for so long? Perhaps they feel that their pain and loss has never been acknowledged or addressed. Maybe in their hearts they ask “What right did they have to become parents and then decide that I would only get to have one of them most of the time? What were they thinking when they broke up my family? Why do they keep making excuses for what they did instead of just saying how much they messed up?”

Divorced parents tend to be forever eager to point out their virtuousness. Here are some examples:

• “I never spoke badly about their father to them.” (Unspoken: “But I did move them to the other side of the country, making it impossible for their father to see them often.”)

• “My children need to know the truth of their father’s (mother’s) selfishness.” (My own selfishness in encouraging lifelong loyalty to me and against their other parent can’t even be noticed.)

• “I never wanted a divorce. It was entirely my spouse’s doing. S/he found someone else and left without warning.” (Unspoken: Let’s not get into the years of sexual deprivation or unacknowledged conflicts that preceeded the spouse’s involvement with someone else.)

• My ex drank too much/ate too much/had a gambling problem, etc. (And I enabled the addiction for years and then failed to take a stand insisting on treatment.)

• “My ex had serious psychological problems, and I needed to protect my children from them.” This one make sense if the spouse was any kind of threat to the children. If not, the unspoken lesson is that when family members have psychological problems, you should get rid of the person rather than supporting them in seeking treatment the way most of us easily do if the problem is medical.

My point so far is that divorced parents should lead the way in forgiving the past. What an emotional burden to have a parent who insists on the lifelong distortion  that says “I was the innocent party, and your father (mother) is responsible for all the pain I’ve felt over the decades!”

Responsibility shifts when you marry and become a parent.

But what if parents don’t lead the way? Sometimes they just don’t have the emotional maturity or self-awareness to do so. Whether they lead or don’t, it is so in the interest of the adult child of divorce to forgive. Every great spiritual guide has given us the same advice: forgive because it’s right. Forgive because you will someday need forgiveness yourself. Forgive to avoid burdening your own children with the residue your parents created and you are carrying on.

What is that allows a 40-year-old married parent to hold on to a distortion such as “my father was right, and my mother was wrong and selfish?” Or the reverse? Long married people should know it doesn’t work that way. Further, people who have been parents longer that a week should realize that they themselves make mistakes every day; that journey is meant, I believe, to teach us to forgive our own parents.

Holding to resentments toward parents comes at a very high price. Unresolved anger comes home to roost in your own bedroom and living room. You teach your children to hold on to the resentment they will inevitably have toward you. You become part of the problem of our world of unresolved conflicts with people and religions and nations who “know” they–and they alone–are “right.” Better to be part of the solution.

How parents can cope with adult children who keep their distance:

Pray, forgive, and do the following spiritual practice every time you think of them:

Hold them in your heart with love whenever they come to mind. Don’t judge yourself when your ego strays off into condemnation,  (”How could s/he do this?” How could she not call when her grandmother was dying? How could he not call when his sister’s baby was born?”) Gently bring yourself back to love and forgiveness: “Whatever he’s choosing is the best he’s capable of right now.”

Wendell Berry said:
To My Mother

I was your rebellious son,
do you remember? Sometimes
I wonder if you do remember,
so complete has your forgiveness been.

So complete has your forgiveness been
I wonder sometimes if it did not
precede my wrong, and I erred,
safe found, within your love,

prepared ahead of me, the way home,
or my bed at night, so that almost
I should forgive you, who perhaps
foresaw the worst that I might do,

and forgave before I could act,
causing me to smile now, looking back,
to see how paltry was my worst,
compared to your forgiveness of it

already given. And this, then,
is the vision of that Heaven of which
we have heard, where those who love
each other have forgiven each other,

where, for that, the leaves are green,
the light a music in the air,
and all is unentangled,
and all is undismayed.

Though they do happen, estrangements like the ones mentioned here are much rare between mothers and their daughters. In every form, it hurts! For all who suffer from the effects of being cut off from those you love–blessings. Have faith. Eventually, love carries the day.

You may post a response here or email Victoria Lee at drvlee1234@aol.com. You can find her on Facebook, and follow her on Twitter.

Suffering, Beauty, and the Inner Light

Adyashanti says:

When we start to suffer, it tells us something

very valuable. It means that we are not seeing

the truth, and we are not relating from the truth.

It’s a beautiful pointer. It never fails.

and Rumi says:

Beauty surrounds us,

but usually we have to be walking

in a garden to know it.

The body itself is a screen

to shield and partially reveal

the light that’s blazing

inside your presence….

As always, the great souls point us toward beauty, and toward freeing ourselves from suffering through discovering our divine nature.

As I write these words, I feel great compassion for those fighting for their freedom in Iran. May they feel our support.

Few of us in the West have studied Iran’s admirable history. Students of Rumi know that he was born in the Persian empire in the 13th century. Rumi spoke Farsi, the language of Iran. Rumi created his tens of thousands of stunningly beautiful verses in Farsi.

Rumi speaks to us across the centuries. He urges us to live more deeply as we practice courage, kindness and openness to change.

Lonliness, love and doing good

Rumi says:

I have five things to say to the Beloved.

First, when I was apart from you this world did not exist.

Second, whatever I was wanting was always you.

Third, why did I learn to count to three?

Forth, my cornfield is burning.

Five….five stands for wisdom and confusion.

Is weeping speech?

What shall I do with all this love?

So she speaks, and everyone around her begins

to cry with her, laughing crazily,

moaning at the spreading union of lover and Beloved.

This is true religion!

All others are torn away bandages beside it.

This is slavery and mastery dancing together.

I know these dancers!

Day and night I sing their sons

in this phenomenal cage.

My soul, don’t try to answer yet.

Find a friend and hide. But what

can be hidden?

Love is always lifting its head out from under

the covers: “Here I am!”

I begin with this poem on a day when I wake up feeling lonely and self-critical. How could I have made so  many bad decisions? I’m separated from many of those I love by geography or because of mutual failures in the ability to forge and maintain connections. The children I adore might just as well live in another country. Financial challenges are mounting. Certain bodily symptoms worry me. Today I must do a long list of things I’d rather not do.

In short, I’m fully human and fully a part of the human condition. As I write this, young soldiers are fighting and dying in Iraq and Afghanistan. Millions with frightening prognoses will have chemotherapy today. In every nation, victims of violence, abuse and unjust imprisonment will suffer. Lonely grandparents, alienated spouses, and unprotected children are everywhere.

In contrast, millions of every age will express their love to someone. Old friends will greet each other with delight. At tens of thousands of coffee shops in many countries, friends will connect and share their lives. A quiet army of people determined to do good will volunteer in hospices and soup kitchens. Countless psychotherapists will reach deeply inside themselves and find empathy and acceptance to offer patients facing every kind of challenge. Teachers in a million classrooms will do their best. The great human virtues will be felt by many: forgiveness, laughter, joy and simplicity.

Spirit of life, show us how to take this precious day and make it sweet.

You may post a response below or email it to me at drvlee1234@aol.com. Blessings!

Obama, Cairo and Rumi

Rumi says:

I weep when boys throw stones at dogs….Forgive

the harm that anyone does.

We are here to be a forgiveness door

through which freedom comes….

We are tasting the taste this minute

of eternity. We are pain

and what cures pain, both. We are

the sweet cold water and the jar that pours.

Wash in wisdom-water. so you will have no regrets

about the time here….

       Two days ago in Cairo, American President Barack Hussein Obama addressed Egypt, Muslims, and the world. He articulated the vision of all great faiths and great souls: peace, forgiveness, compassion and an insistence on the value and the rights of every human being. 

       Citing the Holy Koran, the Holy Bible, and the Torah, Obama urged all of us to walk the talk of the faith of our fathers and mothers–to hold a high vision of how our global village could be, and to do our own parts to make that vision real.

       One of my efforts is my new children’s book–Awesome Obama: How a Boy with Big Ideas Changed the World. It’s meant to teach children to follow President Obama in deciding early to make a difference with their lives. There’s a huge international market for this book. If you know someone who might want to help me get it published, please email me at:               yeswecan.victorialee@gmail.com .

       I hope the President cites Rumi when he begins to negotiate with Iran. A great soul who created tens of thousands of profound verses, Rumi is a 13th century Persian poet who lived as an adult in Konya, Turkey. If we know Rumi, we must see the Iranians through the eyes of profound respect for their history and culture. This tends to make for a good beginning to personal or international diplomacy.

       Even if we’re not diplomats or politicians, we each have a part in the global paradigm shift that must happen if we are to save the planet and our children. It begins with how we treat relatives, neighbors and friends who challenge us. It begins in our own back yards.

       Pro-life advocates must come to affirm each woman’s right to follow her own conscience about reproductive choices. Pro-choice advocates must recognize the profound moral urgency which fuels compassionate pro-lifers. We must all work together to minimize the need for abortion and the support for women and babies once born.

       We must all agree to forego violence in this and all personal choices.

       President Obama has the courage to insist that Palestinians and Israelis must open their hearts to the pain of the other side. As in the pro-life/pro-choice issue, perhaps we will find common ground faster if we all focus on how much we all care about the children–innocent children in pain, children who live in fear, children who die needlessly because the adults in charge would rather seek vindication and vengeance, than create a safe world for their precious little ones.

       Rumi says:

Work. Keep digging your well.

Don’t think about getting off from work.

[Soul] water is there somewhere.

Submit to a daily practice.

Your loyalty to that is a ring upon the door.

Eventually, the joy inside will open a window

and look out to see who’s there.

       So many challenges–so little time. Thank you Mr. President for leading us toward the light.

       Blessings  to you, dear visitor. You may respond here to this post, or email Dr. Lee at drvlee1234@aol.com.

Love After Love

Derek Walcott says:

The time will come when with

elation you will greet yourself

arriving a your own door, in your 

own mirror and each will smile at

the other’s welcome, and say, sit

here. Eat. You will love again the 

stranger who was your self.

Give wine. Give bread. Give back 

your heart to itself, to the stranger

who has loved you all your life,

whom you ignored for another,

who knows you by heart.

Take down the love letters from

the bookshelf, the photographs,

the desperate notes, peel your 

own image from the mirror.

Sit. Feast on your life!

Here the 79-year-old Trinidad poet offers us great wisdom: we are in error when we focus all of our longing on the lover, the child, grandchild, friend, lost spouse, passed away friend, or any other human being who is unavailable to us. In part, the true longing is for our own lost selves. Rumi says losing the taste of our own essence is what hurts the soul.

Poets, mystics and great souls join together in trying to teach us that we have been given our own body, heart and mind for instructional purposes: learn to love the “stranger who was yourself.” Love what’s close at hand, and the flow of love will soon wash over those nearby, those farther away, and finally, over the whole, precious world.

There’s a powerful image in Lisa Starr’s beautiful poem about the old dying dog. He lifts his head one last time even though it hurts, one last time to be a part of this unutterably beautiful world with its water and boats, and “so much blue.”

Blessings to you dear visitor. I will be unable to post again right away. You can reply here or contact me at drvlee1234@aol.com.

Waking Up

Hafiz says:

What happens when your soul 

begins to awaken

your eyes,

your heart, 

and the cells of your body 

to the great Journey of Love?

First there is wonderful laughter,

and probably precious tears,

and a hundred sweet promises

and those heroic vows

no one can ever keep.

But still God is delighted and amused.

You once tried to be a saint.

What happens when your soul

begins to awake in this world

to our deep need to love and serve the Friend?

Oh the Beloved

will send you

one of his wonderful, wild companions–

like Hafiz.

Here in Daniel Ladinsky’s lovely rendering of the 14th century poet Hafiz, the great soul encourages us to wake up and love. In one legend about Hafiz, he drew a circle in the dirt and promised to stay within it until God appeared to him. I wonder how long it took for Hafiz to wake up to the awareness that the Beloved is always with us?

Perhaps you’re like me in this: almost daily, it seems, I pay to much attention to the things I “must” do, and I completely forget the things that matter most. Most important of all, I forget that like all creatures, I have a source of infinite joy inside me. I can access it any second I remember that it’s there.

Rumi says:

….Any unhappiness comes from forgetting. Remember and be back with the Friend.

May we all remember this day. Remember to see the beauty in the next human or animal you encounter; remember it when you look in the mirror. Remember that this journey is about one thing only–learning to love as well as we can.

Blessings, dear visitor. You can post here or by contacting me at drvlee1234@aol.com. Please visit my website at www.drvictorialee.com.

 

I begin this day with gratitude